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* * *
sooooo yeah. im back at school-- havent really updated in awhile so i figure now is as good fo a time as any, since im procrastinating majorly at work. the box office is dead today so im clearly not busy. soooo yeah. school has been going GREAT. SOOOOO busy, but other than that its great. my classes are alot harder this year, especially harmony, which will kick my butt, and could possibly be the demise of my career here @ catholic university haha but im working hard. philosophy is boring as all hell, but we have an exam on friday that i am totally not ready for. other than that, my other classes are fun. eartraining is easy and for some reason comes naturally to me, acting is fierce- im obsessed with gary sloan and my whole class, sophomore workshop is a litle cracked out, but still fun. my assignments from ellwood are fun so far, and we get to work on group numbers and duets in a couple of weeks so thats exciting too. jazz is amazing, it just sucks that such an intense dance class is @ 9 AM haha. karen continuously yells at me for my hips, but i guess thats something that im just going to have to deal w/ for the rest of my life. my voice lessons are going well- tracy is incredible as usual. my rep is ok for this semester-- its all cute stuff, i just dont LOVE any of it. but perhaps i will once i start to learn it more and get more in depth with it. centerstage is consuming my existance basically, but its all fun. disney cabaret goes up this weekend, so theres just lots of craziness for the next few days, involving build, move-in and tech rehearsals, but im sure the show is going to be amazing. i watched it for the first time last night and i really loved it. everybody worked realy hard and im sure by friday it will be brilliant. OH! i got cast in a show!! my first show here @ cua!! its for a show that the drama school is putting on, but its actually a musical. a world premiere of a musical, to be exact. its called the perfect game and its about the invention of basketball. i play judy, one of the 4 mean-girl-esque cheerleaders in the show. its kind of a big part, and a really dance-intensive role which should be fun and interesting. the rest of the cast seems fabulous too, and there are alot of girls from my class in it, so its good that we finally all get a chance to be in something togethere. we start rehearsals on october 17th and the show goes up december 6-10. my parents and kelley are definietly coming down to see it, and dawn and jay might come too!! im so excited! i also got a callback for the mainstage musical for the spring, "jacques brel is alive and well and living in paris" its a really beautiful show-- its all about death which is kind of wierd but cool @ the same time. the call backs are this sunday, so wish me luck! theyre only casting 9-12 people, but its still an honor to be called back. i applied for the spring break mission trip to jamaica. its a 9-day service trip over spring break, which is the very end of feburary, and it only costs $500 for everything! i want to go SOOO badly. i had my interview this past weekend, and i filled out my application, but theyre only accepting 18 people- 9 boys and 9 girls out of the 80 people that applied, so my chances are not very good, but i still really want to go. in my interview and application i talked alot about youth ministry and workcamp and all that stuff, which really got me thinking. over this past year's trip, dawn and i decided that this was going to be our last camp trip, for lots of reasons, but mostly b/c i would have school stuff and internship stuff to do this summer, and she has james, who will be a year and a half old by next summer.... it would just be too much. also, we're still in the planning stages for the camp that our church is hosting in RI in 2008, so we kind of wanted to concentrate on that for this coming summer. since ive been at school though, dawn and i have both been thinking about camp, alot and talking about it alot, and we decided that that trip has been such a huge part of our summers for five years, that it would be SO weird not to go, and it would feel like we were missing out on something. so we talked about it alot, and decided that we're going to try to go ahead with a trip for this coming summer ot pennsylvania. so now im torn, because i have NO idea what im doing this summer... working down here, and taking classes, or doing an internship god knows where, or maybe just at home? but i wont know that for awhile, and i realyyy want to be able to commit to this trip. we'll see what happens with jamaica first, and then go from there. so im going home next weekend, for columbus day long weekend. im leaving friday afternoon, and im coming back to campus tuesday morning. it'll be so good and refreshing to be home with everyone and visit and chill before i come back to school and go straight into grand hotel tech week, which im doing lights for, and the start of perfect game rehersals. saturday when im home im going out to dinner w/ dawn and jay and all the youth ministry kids for trevors birthday and then we're probably going to the CYO haunted labyrinth in cranston, so that should be really fun. then i have the rest of the weekend to relax and hang out with the fam and stuff. SO exciting. everythings going amazing with the suite. erin is the perfect roommate and i love her tons and tons. her boyfriend, gar, was here visiting from NY this weekend and he just left this morning. he is SO freaking cute!! i loved the 2 of them togther, they made me so happy. and christina and katies room being attached to ours is even cooler, because theyre literally like 2 steps away. i love living with them, and next year we'll have our apartment with me, erin, katie, christina and christine and it will be amazing. so yeah, in short everything is going well. im going to try to get through this next week and a half filled with disney and midterms, but after that i get a rejuvianting weekend at home! the light at the end of the tunnell, if you will. wow, that was pretty much the longest entry ever. im pretty sure no one even read it, so it was mostly just for me to have something to pass the time @ boring work. i have a half hour left @ the box office, then acting from 3-4:30, sophomore workshop from 4:30-7 , then disney tech @ 10:30 tonight. wooooo. have fun kids!!! :)
* * *
im not ready to go back.
part of me just wants to stay here. where everything is safe and comfortable.
did i feel this way last year?
there is soo much i will miss.
but so much i will miss out on if i stay.
what am i saying?! of course i'm going back.
its just a nice thought to be able to stay where youre comfortable, i guess.
tomorrow morning i begin part 2 of my other life.
* * *
"walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than you found it." (wilferd peterson)

"how natural it is that i should feel as i do about you, for you have a special place in my heart." (phillipians 1:7)

GROUP WORKCAMPS 2006-- FULL SERVICE....

st. bernard's church- "when i look at you, i'm home"
crews 23 & 24-- amazing love.

* * *
"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for .. your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."
-Garden State <3
* * *
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet's name and current street name)

Heineken Holly Hill (HAHAHA)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Arlene Snickers

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

K. El

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: ( favorite color, favorite animal)

Magenta Puppy

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Elizabeth Warwick

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name)

Hit Ake

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards

Htebazile Ekalb

8. STAR NAME: (middle name, street you grew up on)

Elizabeth Lafayette

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, favorite drink)

The Magenta Milkshake :)

* * *
this weekend was defintely the best weekend of my life.
highlights:
-christinas car pulling up to my house with katie and erin sticking their heads out the windows taking pictures

-driving to freaking situate with showtunes blasting and singing along @ full volume

-sitting @ dinner with my 7 best friends in the entire world--- 3 from home and 3 from school. perfect.

-I SAVED THE SAUSAGE!!!

-the window washers story.

-katies pathetically sad small ice cream :(

- MWOOOAAAARRR!!!!

-recieving narnia as a birthday present from christina after having made fun of it ALL DAY!

-KISSES STELLA! (deep manly voice)

-now and then! :)

-KATIE-- DO NOT FALL ASLEEP!!! "im not..... *SNORE*"

-staying up till 3 talking with my favorite bed-sharer

-"kaitttt... i dont know where my socks areeeee" // "erin, go back to sleep!"

-christina snoring louder than a bulldozer

-waking up to rain on my birthday, which soon turned to SUN! :)

-the girls' first sighting of the rhode island ocean

-wandering newport and lunching

-showing off the newport mansions! :)

-sitting on the sea wall @ clifwalk singing phantom of the opera

-shopping spree @ old navyyy

-getting changed in the parking garage of the providence place mall

-katie trying to zap our waiter @ my birthday dinner

-getting sung to by the restaurant people

-almost running out of gas on the highway

-iced coffees all around.

-the girls meeting dawn and jay and the baby

-GOING TO THE BEACH!!

-the beautiful baby puppy and his beautiful owner. erin: "i want the boy and the dog-- the package deal!"

-lolipops!

-spending about 39 hours in block buster

-trying on the whole store in marshalls

-katies beautiful bathing suit

-my sister buying a $30 prom dress!!

-our like 50part order @ the drive up to dunkin donuts

-lounging on the front lawn with my girls, and my sister, and my puppy

-cookout!! :)

-introducing the concept of big mayo to my parents

-watching the SCARIEST MOVIE EVER!!! "NOOO CHARLIEEE!!!"
me: omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod
erin: its ok is ok its ok its ok its ok
christina: wait! what just happened, i was covering my eyes!!!
katie: guys, come on, this isnt really THAT scarAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

-all 4 of us snuggling in my queen sized bed

-sleeping through our alarm and waking up 10 minutes before church

-christina: "look @ that lady smiling so ridiculously!"
me: "shes the one that got hit by the car!"
christina: "and what, did she have plastic surgery that made her face permanately smiley like that!?"

-harmonizing with erin in church

-me and christina escaping in her car for one last jaunt around the neighborhood.

-standing in the driveway watching them drive away. oh wait--- i actually hated that part.

basically, the best weekend ever. i love my friends so much.

* * *
im kind of sick of having 2 lives.
and having to hide one from the other.
* * *
KEDxHearMySongx (4:47:54 PM): its so sad and weird
KEDxHearMySongx (4:48:02 PM): i feel like i'm on drugs
KEDxHearMySongx (4:48:06 PM): moreso than usual

sooo i'm home for the summer. one of the weirdest feelings of my life- hands down.

i miss school. because thats my home now.
but i AM home?

this is so weird

* * *
i've been in kind of a rotten mood lately.... just this week, i think. for lots of reasons... partially because i was home for such a short time, and only got a little tiny taste of what the summer was going to be like, but it was only for like 3 days and then i had to come back here. then theres the issue of the major thing that is going on without me, 800 miles away right now. cabaret. i stopped by rehearsal last monday, right before i went to the airport to come back to school, and for some reason, i thought it would be totally different. i thought that the feeling in the room would be wierd, that the people wouldnt be excited, that the girls wouldnt sound good. i thought the magic would be gone. i was wrong. dead wrong. it was still as beautiful as i remember it, and i wanted to pick up every single one of those girls, especially the little ones who were rolling their eyes when miss gualteiri wanted to review the harmonies one more time, or when sarah made them try on their 30th dress of the day and shake them and say HELLOOO!!! DONT YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE!!? DONT YOU SEE HOW AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE MOMENTS IS?!!? DONT YOU SEE WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO BE BACK IN THOSE AUDITORIUM SEATS RIGHT NOW?! WHY ARENT YOU SOAKING IT UP?!?!
ugh. and as the week went on, i heard all the stories from kelley about how the show was going... who was singing what, and how everything was working out. it wasapril vacation this week. and all week i was thinking about all the random things that i missed about the show. the things that nobody here will ever understand, no matter how much they try, or how much i can try to explain chris and ms g and karen and mrs tanury and sister michel and sarah and cindy and coutu and all the crazy girls and the ridiculous stories and the insanity and the FOOD and the dressing rooms and the warm ups and the fucking turkey story and just the little things. that meant the world to me. i've done REALLY good all year. i havent missed bay view as much as my senior year self thought i would have. yeah, there were moments when kel would call and tell me a story and i'd just laugh at how typical bayview it was, or when some random sight would trigger a random memory, but other than that, i've been fine. but this week, and i'm sure next week just as bad, i've been so miserable. so nostalgic, really. because they're all good memories, i just wish i was back there having them right now. with everyone else i've left behind. with marcia, holding hands and crying and screaming and getting frustrated at everything in our lives, and then laughing our asses off five seconds later. with emily, my fake little sister, who i let down and disappointed, in a way that is so typical of me. but she'll steal the show and smile big and shine so beautifully like she always does. and i wont be there for her. and all my other friends that i left behind to enjoy what is left of their academy careers.
okay you know what, you can call me over dramatic or over emotional or some other insulting addage that will make me look stupid, but you know what? if youre saying that, then chances are YOU WERENT THERE. and you can never in a million years possibly understand what it was like. what our LIVES were like. more beautiful than you could EVER understand. so there.

bayview players 2006... please enjoy it. try to imagine spending april vacation somewhere else next year. take every moment, and suck all of the goodness and warmth and beauty out of it, because you know what? you WILL miss it. more than you'll probably ever admit to yourself right now. but you will. so make magic. and make me proud. i miss you all and i wish i could be there to see you all.

"here and there/everywhere/every sunset too/seems to be bringing me//memories of YOU."

* * *
have you ever really thought about a lint roller?
okay so, pretty much you just roll it over your clothes, usually the dark ones anyways, but it can work on any color, and it picks off all the bad stuff. it gets rid of the gross lint, or the random strings, or sometimes, especially in my house, dog hair. it just grabs the little ugly parts, and keeps them on its little sticky paper. you just roll it over, and the bad parts are gone. and then you can put on your shirt or pants or jacket or dress, and it looks perfect-- flawless. and no one would ever even know there was anything wrong with it in the first place.

dont you kinda wish you could do that with life? just... lint roll it?

* * *
Put itunes on 'shuffle' and see what it comes up with for each question. Warning: May not actually make ANY sense.

1. How does the world see you?
"The River Won't Flow" - Songs for a New World--- ummm... that i dont get it i guess?

2. Will I have a happy life?
"Beauty and the Beast" -Beauty and the Beast. umm i guess? "bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong..." --- sounds about right to me.

3. What do my friends think of me?
"Let the River Run"- BVA players Celebration of Song--- HAHAHHAHHAHA! this is so typical!

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
"You'll See"- Rent. i guess so, huh? haha!

5. How can I make myself happy?
"Say it Somehow" - Light in the Piazza.. hmmm this one's interesting.

6. What should I do with my life?
"Something about the way you look tonight" -Elton John.... uhhhhh okay. i should be a princess? haha i have no clue

7. Will I ever have children?
"Peter Pan" - Peter Pan the Musical Adventures--- either thats saying that i defintely will have children, or i will always BE one. haha either one is fine by me a guess

8. What is some good advice for me?
"Good Riddance" - Green Day-- AH this ones soo good!

9. How will I be remembered?
"How to Raise a Child"- Seussical. i guess i'll be a good mother? or a bad one, i suppose?

10. What's my signature dancing song?
"Square One" - Cold Play hmm not really a dancing song but i can deal with that hahaha

11. What's my current theme song?
"Mix Tape" -Avenue Q- HAHA it very well could be

12. What do others think is my current theme song?
"Where You Lead" - Carole King (theme from Gilmore Girls) --- frighteningly accurate i think

13. What shall they play at my funeral?
"Days of Plenty" - Little Women --- OMG!!!! thats soooooo true!!!

14. What type of boy do I like?
"The Doctor is In" -- You're A Good Man Charlie Brown - hahahha!! someone i can take care of!? someone pathetic?! haha sooo typical!

15. How's my love life?
"The Crime of the Century" -Ragtime HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH this is so typical.

that was actually pretty cool... fun! :)

* * *
sometimes i just feel like i cant really be myself here.
sometimes i feel like nobody here REALLY knows me.... like my home friends do.
* * *
its been 80 degrees here since thursday.

it feels like cabaret. and it makes me nostalgic and sad.

i miss you all.... but i am so happy.

* * *
* * *
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG


DAWN HAD THE BABYYYY THIS MORNINGGGGGGGGG!!!! 

HOLY SHIT! 
welcome to the world, beautiful baby boy :):)
* * *
o you watch the Gilmore Girls? tryyy my favorite show of all time!

Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson?: yes. we are married.

Do you listen to christian rock?: defitnely. my favorite thing though was when my dad was making fun of christian rock one night nad was like "god is cool, yeah yeah yeah. the devil is a tool, yeah yeah yeah." HA!

Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?: a couple of times- kel likes it

Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.Ds? duh. we were all in 6th grade once...

Do you regularly watch the news?: not @ school.

Which radio stations are your favorites?: @ home- 93.3 and lite rock 105

Are you a Lost fanatic?: i like it alot...

Be honest: about what?

Queen?: not really

Alanis Morissette?: defintely

Do you watch Family Guy regularly?: of course! RI REPRESENT!

The Simpsons?: yuup :) its a family favorite haha

King of the Hill?: nahh

Seinfled?: sooo awesome

Admit it:

Do you read trashy romance novels often?: omg in 8th grade we totally LIVED off of jude devereaux. THANKS MICHELLE! :)

Do you really work out every day?: uhhhh .... *looks in other direction*

Have you ever eaten chocolate in bed?: hahaa yeah like yesterday

Have you ever eaten an entire pint, or more, ice cream by yourself? not by mysefl. but with my biffles defintely

Have you ever spent an entire day in bed without being sick?: hahaha its called college!

Have you ever eaten nothing but junk food for a week straight?: probably

Do you shower every single morning, no exceptions?: nope.

Have you ever gone to school/work only 15 minutes after waking up?: um every single day.

Do you ever forget to give a christmas present & instead keep it for yourself?: hahaha most likely

Do you sing obnoxiously in the car when you're driving alone? DUH. i have a broadway car sing along CD that i dont leave home without hahah

Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home?: hahaa totally. it pisses my suitemates off here too!

Do you go nights without brushing your teeth? sometimes

Have you ever watched a little kid's show when you were over 12? uhhhh try still!

Have you ever looked forward to going to school?: definitely. first days of school are always really exciting and theres always fun things going on :)

The Necessary Love Questions That Arent So Necessary

Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they really werent?: umm no

Did you draw for your first crush back in elementary school/preschool?: haha no

(Girls) Have you ever asked a guy out?: no

(Guys) Have u ever liked a girl but didnt ask her out b/c you were afraid?:

Have you and a (past or present) significant other ever made an 'Our Song'?: ugh no. besides my friends.

Have you ever written a poem/story about your lovelife? hahahahha or lack thereof?

Have u ever listened 2 a song repeatedly just b/c it reminded u of ur crush?: hahha yess, then it usually makes me sick and i stop

Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush?: uuhhh yeah i guess

Do you reread meaningless AIM convos just because theyre with your crush?: haha yess

Have you ever reconsidered liking someone because of their appearance?: shamefully, yes

Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance? uhh yeah

Are you happy with your current relationship? ummm.... sigh...

The Questions You Love:

Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?: i try to

Are you ever anal about cleanliness or organization?: umm yes although you wouldnt be able to tell by the apperance of my room haha

Have you ever been treated for OCD? ADD? nahh

Do you own a graphing calculator?: yuup. actually its kelleys now but whatever

Have you ever been to South America or Africa?: nopers

Have you ever owned a Klutz book or kit?: uummmm YES! they were my favorite thing ever!

Do you know how to knit?: HAHAHHAA THEATRE 2! we're kind of learning that now!

Do you have a cellphone or iPod with a patterened cover?: umm a pink cover on my ipod. its not necessarily patterned though

Have you ever written song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile?: uhh not that i can think of

Do you keep a diary or journal (online or on paper)?: yup

Did you ever want to be an astronaut or a teacher when you were a kid?: i still kind of do... wanna be a teacher, that is

Do you own a striped sweater?: yuppp

How often do you take a bubble bath?: umm close to never

When you open your closet, what is the dominant color of your clothes?: pink! :)

Truly Unusual: This or That Questions

Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?: coldstone hands down

Sees or Godiva?: godiva

The Shins or the Decemberists?: the shins
America or Canada?: america? haha

Physics or chemistry?: ewww neither i'd rather gouge my eyes out

Glamorous or au naturale?: both... for separate occasions

Earphones or headphones?: earphones

Chocolate brown or teal?: teal

Earrings or a ring?: earings

Commitment or casual dating?: commitment

Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?: harry potter

Fly or road trip?: ummmm both. road trip with friends defintely, but flying for effeciencyl

Starbucks or Petes?: starbucks

Athletics or academics?: defintely academics

Another Wave of Random Questions

Do you know what a geisha is?: yes... although dannys geisha bitch is a totally different story

What is your favorite Disney movie?: mary poppins

Do you have a more classic style or do you stay up-to-date (clothes wise)? a mix of both i think

How much jewelry do you own?: alot

What year do you graduate high school in?: 05 bitchesssss

Have you memorized the rejection hotline, just in case?: hahahaa no but i used to have it in my cell phone

Have you ever given someone the rejection hotline as your number?: nahhh

Have you ever eaten at a food court?: yes practically every single day

Have you ever bought clothes at Sears?: ummm i dont think so

Do you own any Care Bears memorabilia?: HA probably somewhere

Do you have a quilt on your bed?: no, just a comforter

* * *
dont leave.
please.
just stay.
and get better.
and be beautiful.

please, god.

* * *
3 hours till bed, as my darling roommate has just reminded me via text message. 3 more classes and then the longest nap of my life... then WEEKEND! wooot!
this has been the craziest, most emotionally draining week in awhile.... but im kind of in love with all my friends.
lauren and nic leave tomorrow which totally breaks my heart. victoria moved out last night, obviously for entirely different reasons but still.
MT's- i love you guys so much. you mean the world to me- literally.

"these are times that can't be weathered
and we have never been back there since..."
we're all praying for you lauren. stay strong.

* * *
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance...

some really rough news hit the musical theatre department today. all we can do now is pray. i love you guys... stay strong and keep smiling (try at least). all of you mean the world to me and i love you all so so much. we're all in this together.
we love you lauren.

* * *
wow so im looking through my recent livejournal entries and ive realized that i havent done an ACTUAL entry in forever! i only do pointless boring surveys as the epitome of procrastinating. ugh. but yeah... so... 2005. a big year for me i guess you could say. the most meaningful/memorable yet? yeah that would probably be appropriate. i graduated from high school (!!!) ... im still not really sure how i did that, but somehow i did. and with my best friends at my side every step of the way. i couldnt have asked for a better way to end my high school career than surrounded by the most beautiful freinds in the world, who i would do anything for, and vice versa. its that strong, concrete base of friendship that allows us to be apart for four months and then come back and have everythign be like we never left... singing carol of the bells in three part harmony at the top of our lungs driving down the highway in kates car. somethings will never change, i suppose. but the beauty of it all is that some things CAN change- i mean, look at us, look at how much we've all changed and grown and learned... but when we're together, theres that spark, that connection that never fades- only grows stronger with time.

 i took my camp mission trip again in 2005. that one week out of my summer has become such a part of my life. it was the culmination of my youth ministry career, which was very bittersweet nad broke my heart in so many ways. dawn and i built that program from the ground up, into the thriving and incredible bunch of kids that it is today doing beautiful things to change the world. dawn and i grew nothing but closer on the trip-- as if that was even possible? haha but i also developed a wonderful relationship with her husband, jay. i could not think of more beautiful parents to welcome this new child, this gift from God into this world on february 7th... in just 2 short months. dawns baby shower was wednesday, and just seeing the joy on her face as she opened the gifts that would soon belong to her child warmed my heart in a way that i could not possibly begin to explain. when i think back to the people who have influenced and shaped my life the most, the two of them will continuously come up on the top of my list... they have done nothing but support and encourage me in everything i've ever done... since the sixth grade, and continuing now even though im hundreds of miles away.

 2005 was the year of change for me, i think. on august 26th i packed up my life and moved hundreds of miles away to a foreign place full of strangers. Now thinking about it, I have no idea how I did it, or what possessed me to think that I would be okay. Yeah, I was totally terrified and I almost chickened out several times, but underneath all of that here was this overriding sense buried somewhere deep inside of me that said yes, yes you can do this. Some may call that faith? Well, whatever it was I’m glad I listened to it. My first semester was partially hell, partially what I have waited for my entire life. I know that sounds very contradictory, but its true. There were points this semester when I was completely miserable- the first week of school when I made a complete ass out of myself and layed in my bed and cried all night because i couldn’t figure out how people had let me belive that I was good all this time… or that day when I totally broke down on the phone with dawn because she was @ my sisters confirmation party at my house and I wanted nothing more than to be home with them all. But there was so much good that came out of this semester, too. I grew so much in such a positive direction. All of my new friends made it their mission to “corrupt” me, but what they really did was open me to new horizions, new experiences, new body parts (!?!?) – I blame Patrick and donny for that one. Haha. Along with Tracy, my new and fabulous voice teacher, I journeyed through all my “personal shit” to try to figure out my voice and what I was doing with it. It was a struggle, I’ll admit, still is one, and probably will continue to be one for the rest of my life, and there were sooo many times that I was so close to giving it up, but I suppose now I’m in it for the long run. I have sooo much more to learn, so many new directions I’m going to heading in my life, but I can honestly say that I’m ready for it.

 So I just watched “Bay View’s Best” while I’m babysitting, with the intention of seeing if it was worth bringing back to school to show to the musical theatre snobs that have somehow become my best friends (but I love them terribly). But as I watched it I realized, yeah, it isn’t that amazing, and I can see so many gliches and faults with my “newly trained eye” (whatever the hell that means)… but honestly, I don’t care. Because no matter who I show that movie to, they wont get it. They will never understand what that show meant to me, or anyone in it. Danielle said it best, it’ll just look like too many girls grouped together by dress color, rotating and doing lame schtick. But you know what, I loved it. And part of me still does. And even though I’ve moved to ……. COLLEGE THEATRE (dun dun dun), part of me still misses that show. That spring break. That magic.


So now I celebrate the new year, and celebrate defintley is the operative word here. I celebrate everything I have, everything I am, and everything I’ve yet to be. 2006 will certainly bring more change, more growth and more amazing times with the people I love. I’ll go back to school in a week, although I’ll be without one of my very best friends. Its kind of hard to imagine catholic without mal. Without her calling me @ 4 am cuz she was walking by outside and saw my light on, without her wise counsel and her goofy “isms”. I’ll miss her taking me for coffee when the two of us are bummed about not being in shows, and when we just cant stand the boys anymore. She’s doing what she has to do, I suppose, and deep down I know its whats right for her, but it still breaks my little heart to see her go. Shes just been such a big part of my life @ catholic, that its gonna be weird not to have her around. I know she’ll come and visit, and I’m looking forward to that, but its not going to be the same.

I think I’ll close with the lyrics to this beautiful song by art garfunkel. Katiedavis had it in her journal @ thanksgiving, and rosie, (who is practically my big sister @ school and who I will miss TERRIBLY when she goes to London this semester) sang it as the closing of her junior recital. How very true it is.

I've got a roof over my head
 I've got a warm place to sleep
Some nights I lie awake counting gifts
 Instead of counting sheep
I've got a heart that can hold love
I've got a mind that can think
There may be times when I lose the light
 And let my spirits sink
 But I can't stay depressed
When I remember how I'm blessed

 Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful

In a city of strangers I got a family of friends
 No matter what rocks and brambles fill the way
I know that they will stay until the end
I feel a hand holding my hand
It's not a hand you can see
But on the road to the promised land
This hand will shepherd me
 Through delight and despair
 Holding tight and always there

 Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
 Truly blessed
And duly grateful

 It's not that I don't want a lot
Or hope for more, or dream of more
 But giving thanks for what I've got
Makes me happier than keeping score
In a world that can bring pain
I will still take each chance
 For I believe that whatever the terrain
 Our feet can learn to dance
Whatever stone life may sling
We can moan or we can sing

Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful
Truly blessed
And duly grateful.
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